joke of the day

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

Subject: Early Retirement! loving husband
I think I've got this early retirement thing down pat...:
It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Lorne...... Let me relate how I handled the situation
with my wife, Sandra.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Sandra to
get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to
show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,it's not unusual
for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think
my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider telling people what they
ought to do; it's one of my strong points... Now that she has gotten older,
she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement.
Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big
issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I'm willing to
overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge
meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club,or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling,
or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the
dog,vacuuming or dusting... Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and
muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips
and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace.
My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are
delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men.
But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than
bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys,
we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days! That way she won't have to rush
so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my
strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock.
That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sandra.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism
of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed, Lorne...
EDITOR'S NOTE: Lorne died suddenly Monday Jun.27. He was found with
a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his
posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sandra was arrested, but
the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat
on it, and died.

[PghRiverRat]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house
knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED
OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite
the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if
they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair
they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS
CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DARN HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What was the question :lmao:

[dougmyers]

You know we guys work very hard at helping you girls out, and this just proves it! :lmao:

[BlueLake]

:lmao: This is hilarious! I've got to send this to all the men in my family.
(maybe they will prevent a similar accident) haha

[dougmyers]

My early marriage

My young wife and I did not have much practice at cooking things.
After she went to the store one afternoon, she came home with a bag of food
and in it was some Strawberrys and short cakes.
Later that evening she was talking to me from the kitchen, I was in the living room, and she asked me, ( Do I need to wash and peel the strawberrys?) I thought she was kidding and said well sure you do.
After about two hours of watching TV I went into the kitchen, I had not heard a word from her in all that time!
She was sitting at the table peeling these little strawberrys very carefully, in two hours she had about 6 peeled. I asked her what are you doing? She looked at like she about to throw the knife at me and said I am peeling your dam strawberrys! I reminded her that I had not asked for strawberrys so why are they mine, she said because she would not go to this much trouble for the dam things for herself!
I looked at her and said let me show you how to do this the easy way, I took them and washed them pulled the green tops off and slit them all in about half a minute. She looked at me got up from the table, called me a bastard and walked off mad!
Well I fixed her a bowl of strawberrys and cake with whipped cream on top and we both ate them later.
She was mad at me because she spent all that time for me and did not need to. Mad for two days! :crying:

I thought she was kidding about peeling the berrys, I found out when she cooks and makes food she never kids! ;)

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house
knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED
OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite
the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if
they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair
they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS
CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DARN HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What was the question :lmao:


too funny
LMAO!!! :p

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

My early marriage

My young wife and I did not have much practice at cooking things.
After she went to the store one afternoon, she came home with a bag of food
and in it was some Strawberrys and short cakes.
Later that evening she was talking to me from the kitchen, I was in the living room, and she asked me, ( Do I need to wash and peel the strawberrys?) I thought she was kidding and said well sure you do.
After about two hours of watching TV I went into the kitchen, I had not heard a word from her in all that time!
She was sitting at the table peeling these little strawberrys very carefully, in two hours she had about 6 peeled. I asked her what are you doing? She looked at like she about to throw the knife at me and said I am peeling your dam strawberrys! I reminded her that I had not asked for strawberrys so why are they mine, she said because she would go to this much trouble for the dam thing for herself!
I looked at and said let me show you how to do this the easy way, I took them and washed them pulled the green tops off and slit them all in about half a minute. She looked at me got up from the table, called me a bastard and walked off mad!
Well I fixed her a bowl of strawberrys and cake with whipped cream on top and we both ate them later.
She was mad at me because she spent all that time for me and did not need to. Mad for two days! :crying:

I thought she was kidding about peeling the berrys, I found out when she cooks and makes food she never kids! ;)

too funny. That reminded me of an guy I used to work with. Everytime we'd have a company dinner and everyone was supposed to bring a dish, he'd always claim he'd bring Beans on a stick. Luckily for us he never did but I could just imagine half a dozen tiny beans lined up on a toothpick and placed neatly on a serving tray for our enjoyment.

[farquar]

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." :drunk:

[EJAMM]

How many dinar investors does it take to change a light bulb?




Who cares?!? When you make this much money on an investment just buy a new house!!!!!

[dougmyers]

I like this!

[LakewayDaze!]

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

He asked the American bank teller, "Why it change ? Yestoday I get two hunant dollar fo yen. Today I get hunant eighty."

The bank teller replies, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[dejavu]

:lmao: :lmao: ROFLMAO!

[dejavu]

How many dinar investors does it take to change a light bulb?




Who cares?!? When you make this much money on an investment just buy a new house!!!!!


hahahahahah :happy64:

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

Florida State Trooper




A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This
is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
>
> get a haircut?"
>
> The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
>
> A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
>
> long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full
>
> of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
>
> A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
>
> before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
>
> "About an hour and a half."
>
> The guy leaves.
>
> The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the
>
> shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Do me a favour man, follow that guy and see
>
> where he goes."
>
> A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
>
> The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up,
>
> tears in his eyes and says....
>
> . "Your house

[CR12]

Subject: STATE TROOPER

A Louisiana State Trooper pulled a car over on US 165 about 2 miles south of the Louisiana/Arkansas State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on
his way to Monroe to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good old boy from Arkansas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my @ss to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

Mother Superior Calls All The Nuns Together And Says, "i Must Tell You All Something. We Have A Case Of Gonorrhea In The Convent."


"praise The Lord," Says A Blonde Nun At The Back. " I Am So Tired Of Chardonnay."

[Dinaress]

Several years ago i went to a BBQ in that really bad Texas August heat.

things were going great but we all convened in the house to stay cool,
The hostess had invited her daughter and her new husband and his little 3 1/2 year old daughter.
She took to me right off and we played all kind of games to keep her entertained then she asked if i would go out and "swing" her around...you know where ya grab them by the hands and turn them into a propeller blade?

I think about every kid loves it... well after about 9 or 10 times it was time to go in and cool off..

She kept this up for a good while, after about the 3rd trip outside,
i turned down number 4 and told her i was "pooped"!

Well in front of about 20 people she looks down at my crotch...and says in a loud voice......."IN YOUR PANTS???"

Loud laughter and a 53 shades of red face...i laugh too00...

its easy to forget the English language has many words with simular but different meanings...... :lmao:

[mechtech]

Someone's prespective found on a t-shirt.

(Sorry, bad picture.)

"Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French, and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and it is all organized by the Italians."

[miln$babe]

Hey...;thanks for the laughs :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[arh777]

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real tonight, Dave."

[mechtech]

...also the bridge is out ahead...

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he said.....'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed and had a strange look on his face, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[DarkRing]

COWS "Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right
to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington And they
tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11
million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should
give them all a cow."
:huge:

[DarkRing]

CONSTITUTION "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really
smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it
anymore."

:lmao:

[DarkRing]

TEN COMMANDMENTS "The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!"

:happy26:

[DarkRing]

About Martha Stewart. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's was behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her off to jail." What's wrong with this picture??

:wave:

[DarkRing]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? Again he declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

[DarkRing]

Why it's good to be old
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter
who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


:happy64:

[DarkRing]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking."

:lmao: :happy64: :lmao:

[arh777]

Those are great Darkring. :lmao: :lmao:

[EJAMM]

The other day my wife and I were taking advantage of the Subway 2 for 1 deal (buy 1 - 6 inch sub get the 2nd for free). I told the young girl behind the counter what I wanted on the first footlong and began telling her what I wanted on the free one. She told me that the 2 for 1 deal only applied to 6 inch subs, I immediately responded "Isn't a footlong 2 - 6 in subs?". Her next comment kind of caught me off guard a little, she said "Sorry sir it doesn't work like that."...The manager quickly jumped in and after only 5 minutes was able to convince the employee it actually does work that way :lmao: :lmao:

This one is just a joke, Mudbug you'll like this one:

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with.... "a recipe".

[Aunt Gwennie]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking."

:lmao: :happy64: :lmao:

This one was tooo....toooooo funny!!!

[DarkRing]

Q: What is an Australian kiss?

A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
:D

[DarkRing]

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: 1 U.S. leader :happy26:

[DarkRing]

The Five Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
:shhh:

[DarkRing]

Q. WHY DID THE PERVERT CROSS THE ROAD?

A. HE WAS STUCK TO THE CHICKEN!

:confused:

[Bothoms]

Question: What did the Mexican firefighter name his twins sons?


Answer: Jose and...
















.......... "Hose B"

[Paulette]

These are good :lmao: thanks for the laughs this morning

[DarkRing]

My friends tell me I refuse to grow up.
But I know they're just jealous because
they don't have pajamas with feet.
:lmao:

[DarkRing]

An old man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you
forget to zip down".
:D

[DarkRing]

You Know You're Trailer Trash When...

Your junior prom had a daycare.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting
your wife drunk

You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.

You've been married three times and still have
the same in-laws.

You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the
table in front of her kids.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
depending on how much gas is in it.

[Dinaress]

Excuse me while i go get a Dr Pepper out of the porch frig.... :lmao:

[DarkRing]

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."
Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."
Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"
Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

:lmao: :huge: :lmao: :drunk:

[Dinaress]

Don't let the dogs in......

don't ya mean "let the dogs out?" :lmao:

[DarkRing]

Q. What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?


A. Shiite on a shingle. :no:

[DarkRing]

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.
:rolleye03

[DarkRing]

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's pissed at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'"
snickered Timmy.
:p

[Dinaress]

The Magic WORDS....

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye
when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

[DarkRing]

Washroom Symbols

I went looking for a rest room and found two doors with pictures of dogs on them. I was completely baffled, so I searched out the manager and admitted that I couldn't tell the difference between the male dog and the female dog.
"That's not the idea," the manager smiled and said.

"One dog is a pointer, and the other is a setter.".

:D

[DarkRing]

COWBOY POETRY - WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR

I ain't much for shopping, Nor even goin' into town - Except at cattle-shipping time, I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go And I left the kids with ma. But before I left she asked me, "Would you pick me up a bra?"

Without thinkin' I said "Sure," How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her And said, "I'll be back by three"

Well, when I done the things I needed, I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing, I was working up a sweat.

I crossed the street to the ladies shop With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk - I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out, "Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers, So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store And they's all a'gawkin' at me!

"What kind would you be looking for? " Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before "Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gives me a disgusted look, "Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
"Come with me," I heard her say, And like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor When I seen that lingerie.

They had all these different styles That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go ! crazy 'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate, And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally make my mind up - Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up," And figured I was done

But then she asked me for the size. I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart, "A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths, well sir, That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive, I just measured them last night."

I thought that she'd go into shock, Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with, I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am." This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat, To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured, I gave the gal her pay. Then I turned to leave the store, Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife heard the whole story 'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women Who'd called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughing But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop For no more women's underwear.

:happy26:

[Bothoms]

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine? Well, he's fine now. He's........ FULLY RECOVERED.

[SOMF]

These jokes are pretty good.... I've been chuckling so hard that I almost fell into my lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of myself! :p

[dejavu]

:lmao: :lmao: once my husband went to the drugstore and while there i asked to pick me up some pads :o he calls me from the store on his cellphone, asking, ok, wings, no wings, overnites, etc......he speaks loudly, LOL, the whole time he's talking i could hear women laughing in the background, hahaha........he's one brave hubby, LOL I know, too much info, but i had to share :D

[Dinaress]

Gotta love that measurement --a-six -and -seven -eights!
thanks DarkRing, i am sitting here giggling!

[DarkRing]

What do you get when you put Spice Girls in the toaster?

Pop Tarts. ;)

[DarkRing]

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho Cheese!!! ;)

[DarkRing]

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?

Her navel. ;)

[DarkRing]

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got two girlfriends. ;)

[DarkRing]

How do you stop your husband reading your e-mal?

Rename the folder 'instruction manual'. ;)

[DarkRing]

I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog. ;)

[DarkRing]

A man had his wife cremated. As smoke came out he said to his friend "That's the first time I ever saw her hot".
;)

[DarkRing]

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
;)

[DarkRing]

Did you hear about the office worker who ran out of sick days, so he called in dead?
;)

[DarkRing]

Why are families like a box of chocolates? - They're mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
;)

[DarkRing]

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "Can you drive this thing?"
;)

[DarkRing]

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
;)

[DarkRing]

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
;)

[DarkRing]

"I am" is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language. "I do" is the longest.
;)

[DarkRing]

Why do most men like smart women? - Becase opposites attract. ;)

[DarkRing]

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. ;)

[DarkRing]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Wings
;)

[DarkRing]

Doctor examining a woman "You have acute angina". Woman "Why thank you , doctor".
;)

[DarkRing]

Boy "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?" - Father "Don't know son, I'm still paying for it".
;) ;)

[DarkRing]

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male of female?" "Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?" "White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"


:happy64:

[TxTech]

Did you know that 85% of Japanese have cataracts?





The rest drive Rincorins and Chevrorets.

[ramis]

A man goes to a brain shop and asks for the rates,

This is French brain, it'd cost you $ 200. The shopkeeper says.

This one is English, the cost is $ 300.

Hua, the man looks uninterested.

This is Russian brain, its unused, will cost you $ 500, 10 percent discount, the shopkeeper informs him.

The customer still looks uninterested.

Ok, finally the shopkeeper shows his precious inventory, this is the American brain, it costs $ 10,000,no discount, he tells the customer.

Wow!!!! The customer yells, why the hell it is so expensive?

Well, the shopkeeper replies, "We need 100 Americans to get this much" :wave:

[DarkRing]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
:happy64:

[DarkRing]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?

" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

:D

[DarkRing]

A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some difficulty walking. The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely." The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."

:drunk:

[DarkRing]

In high school, I was pretty good at putting together a book report without actually reading the book. Occasionally, though, my teacher would catch me on it. Who knew "The Naked and the Dead" wasn't about necrophilia?
:happy26:

[BlueLake]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a
firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat. The
fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
truck," the firefighter said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon
to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the
firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."
******************

[BlueLake]

Sniffer

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man
with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him. The Lab
is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the
dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best
there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,
"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a
few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's
arm. He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number
for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places
two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying
cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up
and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then
comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and
the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this
stupid dog?

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

[BlueLake]

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[BlueLake]

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[PghRiverRat]

Great comedy video clip. About 5 minutes, with sound. G-rated.

http://www.koreus.com/files/200505/men-in-coats.html

You can't help but enjoy this. :D

[dejavu]

ROFLMAO......my favorite is the silent treatment :lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.

The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said. At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt."

I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have dropped your pants . . . you might have gotten disability, too."

:wave:

[DarkRing]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, when you die and go to heaven...which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, I think it's your hands. Why do you think
it's your hands, Suzy? Suzy replied, because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.

What a wonderful answer the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, I think it is your legs. Johnny, why
do you think it would be your legs? Little Johnny said, well, I walked into
mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming. If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"

"well, this week - nothing!"

:D

[icarusII]

To whom it concerns:
I have attached a sample of my speech writing abilities in response to the OPM job listing for a Presidential speech writer.
Anxiously awaiting your employment offer.

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict.
This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations….Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis!
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors! Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care!
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys! We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.

[DarkRing]

A young woman plunked a bucket of quarters down in front a teller at the bank. The teller fetched the manager who then berated the young woman about hoarding so many quarters. She gave him a hard look and said, "I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half, and I whored the other half."

:D

[DarkRing]

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling

said, ...."My lawyer."

:lmao:

[DarkRing]

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was looking at tickets. So, when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

:drunk:

[DarkRing]

The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills." The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or retired?" "If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"

:lmao:

[DarkRing]

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus. "I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man. "And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus. "I hope to find my son" said the man "Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?"

"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, "Father???"

The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

:D :wave:

[DarkRing]

A veterinary surgeon had been busy all day tending to one emergency after the next. Luckily for him, when he finally got home from tending to all these sick animals, his wife was waiting with the martini pitcher and a cozy candle-lit dinner.

After dinner, the couple had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 AM, the phone rang.

"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is," replied the vet. "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady. "There's a whole bunch of cats up on the roof making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do to get them to stop?"

The vet patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"It ought to," said the vet, "it stopped me!"

;)

[arh777]

Here's a smart blond joke!

Smart Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke!

[DarkRing]

I had an Epiphany

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, He traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit smoking pot!.

:happy64:

[Stash]

The Enchanted Snake
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My *** ... I was riding the MARE!

[mike55]

..................................

[mike55]

.............................

[Stash]

..................................

ROFL at the top one!

[DarkRing]

An elderly man turns to his wife and asked if she's ever cheated on him.
"I love you" she says, "but I must confess. I've been unfaithful to you three times."

"What?" yells the man."When?"
" The first time was when we were denied a mortgage," she explains. "I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan."

"The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills," she says. "I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free."

" And what about the third time?" the husband demands.
"Remember when you ran for mayor" the wife begins, "and you were behind by 300 votes?" ;)

[mcdonn]

THIS IS REALLY COOL.

UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM


Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that
Person is not running the country.


1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your
head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the
area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2


Do you recognize the answer?

[DarkRing]

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster."Get out, old rooster! This is my barn now!" "Tell you what, "says the old rooster. "I'll race you around the farm, winner gets all the chicks."

The old rooster takes off towards the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.

"Dammit," says the farmer. "That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss. "I hit a pig on the road, and he's stuck under my truck," he explains. "What should I do?"

"Shoot it in the head," answers the boss. "Then pull it out and throw it in the truck."

The driver does it, then calls his boss back. " I did what you told me," he explains. "So what the problem?" snaps the boss.

The driver replies, "I don't know what to do with his motorcycle." :D :D

[DarkRing]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

:p

[DarkRing]

Hot Day!

One very hot afternoon a woman decides she'll walk downtown and go shopping. Since it's so hot, she decides not to wear any panties, just a loose skirt.

On the way home, she decides to stop for a drink at an unfamiliar bar.
She walk in and sits down with a stool between here and the only
other patron in the place, a guy.

Try to cool off, she swings around and puts her feet up on the stool
between her and the guy. He looks down and can see all the way up
her dress, including the fun zone.

He tries to be cool about, but finally he can't take it anymore, and he says,
"Honey, I'd like to pack that thing with ice cream and eat it!"

She gets pissed and jumps up and leaves the bar. On arriving home she finds her husband, tells him the story, and demands that he goes down and kicks the guys .

However, her husband refuses. She asks for one good reason why he won't, and he gives her three:

1. She should never have left the house without any panties.
2. She should never have gone into a strange bar by herself.
3. He isn't jacking with no man that can eat that much ice cream.

:happy26: :happy26:

[DarkRing]

The young kindergarten teacher had just instructed her students to come forward as their names were called and be prepared to draw something on the blackboard that had been the cause of excitement in their homes during the previous week.

One by one the pupils came forward and sketched such items as report cards, television sets, mothers' new hats, and the like. When it came time for Johnny, the class cutup, to comply with the assignment, however, he walked to the board and simply made two white dots before returning to his seat.

Suspecting that he was up to one of his usual pranks, the teacher advised Johnny that he had better he able to explain why those two dots were exciting if he didn't want to be kept after school.

"Well," said Johnny, "the other day you told us that those dots are also
called periods-" "That's correct," the teacher interrupted. "But what could possibly be exciting about two periods?"

"Beats me," replied Johnny. "But that's how many my older sister says she's missed, and it's causing an awful lot of excitement around our house!"

:drunk: :lmao: :drunk:

[DarkRing]

Two blondes went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel.

The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed,
"Where is my camel?"

They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!' So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away."

:p :p

[Dinaress]

A woman on the beach

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate.

She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that dam' map again." :lmao:

[arh777]

These are all great. :lmao: :lmao:

[arh777]

I imagine everybody seen this one.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked,
Bring beer....

[PghRiverRat]

No matter which way you look at this, it's still funny...(speakers on)

http://www.michaelhodges.com/stuff/funny/2008cc1.swf

:lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L.A. nightspot when a mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed over to him and said, "Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out."

"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."

:crying:

[DarkRing]

Wow big Burger

http://katestelnick.com/

[DarkRing]

http://www.jillsjokeline.com/massage.shtml

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the café chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily," he had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ..," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.



"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically," I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says "They blow up so fast, don't they

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!



What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men fi nd it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on th! e good rides

and my favorite is...

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh**..."

[DarkRing]

A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem."
"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday." "I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all." The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!" :drunk: :drunk:

[DarkRing]

During a recent magic shows, a woman asked me, "Sir how do you do that trick?"
The magician responded, "If I told you I would have to kill you"
She said, "OK then...tell my husband!"


:no: :happy64: :no:

[DarkRing]

A Mexican in Houston has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days.
When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer
in charge says that since the loss occurred over 7 days ago the
vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts.
The Mexican was heard to mutter as he left the station . . .
. . . " Damn Canadians".

:drunk: :happy64: :drunk:

[DarkRing]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
:D :D :D

[Dinaress]

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud as Mr. Bush took his oath of office.
I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force One for the final time. It may surprise you that this made me sad, but watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 United States Marines in full dress, with M-16s, fire a 21 gun salute to the outgoing President.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.


Every last one of them missed..... :crying:

[baz]

Tom walking along the street drops dead the family visit him in the undertakers all laid out nice, wife says to the undertaker yeah he looks nice! ONLY Tom allways liked black suits you have him laid out in a blue suit! can
you buy a black suit for him i"ll pay what ever it cost, last wishes and all ?? .. sure says the undertaker call back in a few days time have it all done by then. couple of days later wife called back, sure enough Toms laid out this time in a lovely black suit looked great!! wife happy now, how much do i owe you ? well nothing really ,says the undertaker you had a bit of luck, day after you left, the butcher up the street dropped dead and the butcher had a black suit on but the butchers wife wanted him laid out in a blue suit so i just swopped over the heads!!,,

[RET]

Yesterday, was the joke of the day. :(

[H2OLover]

yes ...it is too funny my friend !!

[DarkRing]

The Rookie State Trooper

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver said,

"No problem. Have at it."


A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.



The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law butI need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "Not, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy
Graham for a chauffeur!"

;)

[DarkRing]

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated> woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
:)

[DarkRing]

No Mexicans Please

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.
The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation
owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers.

They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern
conversation and dance with lovely young ladies.
One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers.

Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer. "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."
:happy26:

[DarkRing]

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks
out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into
the world." "Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and
in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries
three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows
him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the
question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter
Heaven...but only for 2 days." :huge:

[DarkRing]

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.

She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with this .... a black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

Two Germans are walking down the street. One of them is notorious for his prejudice against Italians. Yet when he sees an Italian organ grinder with a monkey, he throws $20 into the monkey's hat.

His friend is surprised.

"But people have been telling me for years how much you hated Italians, and here you go and do that."

To which the guy replies,
"Well, I couldn't help myself, they're so cute when they're little."
:p

[DaddyDinar]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the
Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin
American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except
France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Mexicans.

God Bless America!!

[DarkRing]

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

[DarkRing]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - she is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL " - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

:p

[DarkRing]

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

:D

[DarkRing]

"I was listening to some rap music this afternoon. Not that I had a choice, it was coming out of a jeep four miles away"

;)

[DarkRing]

http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/10715

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

http://www.attackchi.org.au/kits.htm

:o

[DarkRing]

http://morphmaster.com/smachine.htm


:lmao: :drunk: :lmao:

[Dinaress]

Its 5 in the morning, coffee and DarkRing funnies are the best ever!

[Bothoms]

Did you hear that the airport in Baghdad [BIAP] was temporarily closed? Security caught a man trying to board a plane with a ruler, a compass, and a protractor. It turns out that he was working for a secret organization known as Al-Gebra. He was taken into custody and charge with carrying Weapons of Math Instruction.

[DarkRing]

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her rode and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter ,dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you rememder 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears never having know that her husband was so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shove his shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today"

;)

[Access America]

So Now I'am in debt up to my well click here to see my family this dinar thing has tore us up...


http://www.bytesend-inc.com/fun/stanlet.htm

[DarkRing]

A guy walks into a drugstore and asks for a package of condoms.
"I'm afraid I can only sell them to you if you're married." The
druggist says.
"Well, I am, "replies the guy.
"You'll have to prove it," says the drugist.
So the guy rushes back home, gets his marriage certificate, shows
it to the drugist and finally gets his condoms.
A few days later, the same guy goes back to the same drugist to
get some flea powder for his dog.
"Got a dog license?" the drugist asks.
The guy reluctantly trudges home in a rage and gets the dog
licence and is finally handed his flea powder.
The next day he's back in the shop and hands the drugist a screw-
top-jar.
"Here, smell this," he tells the drugist.
"The drugist unscrews the lid and takes a whiff.
"That smells like !" cries the drugist, wrinkling his nose.
"Correct," says the guy. "Now two rolls of toilet paper please."

:(

[DarkRing]

http://www.netlaughter.com/funpages/view.cfm/4952

:drunk:

[DarkRing]

Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"

Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

:rolleye03

[DarkRing]

http://www.guzer.com/videos/dog_dance.php

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

Two guys were hiking up a mountain when they came upon some people bungee jumping. One said to the other , "How about it?
The other replied, "No way, I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I'm not leaving it the same way."
;)

[DarkRing]

An elderly man lay in a hospital, with his wife of 55 years sitting at his
bedside. "Is that you Ethel, at my side again?" he whispered. "Yes, dear,"
she answered. He softly said to her, "Remember years ago when I was in
the Veteran's Hospital? You were with me then. You were with me when
we lost everything in a fire. and Ethel, when we were poor - you stuck with
me then too." The man sighed and said, "I tell you Ethel, you are BAD luck!"
:happy26:

[DarkRing]

http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funny/iraqvsusabasketball.html


:drunk:

[DarkRing]

They just arrested a fellow who talks dirty to plants.
Caught him making an obscene fern call.

:huge:

[Mucho Dinaro]

What???? No dong jokes????? This thread blows...hahahaaha :drunk:

[DarkRing]

http://www.michaelbach.de/ot/

:drunk:

[DarkRing]

Did you hear about the house that was built by lesbians? There were no studs. it was all tongue in groove.

:confused:

[Dinaress]

What???? No dong jokes????? This thread blows...hahahaaha :drunk:

OMG, TOO FUNNY! :lmao:

[DarkRing]

http://www.moosehill.com/steps/sounds/korea-nukeproblem.mp3

:D :D

[DarkRing]

Some people are like Slinkies...Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2005/08/03/fioredomination.DTL

:happy26:

[DarkRing]

Q. Why do men love blowjobs so much?
A. They love all jobs they can lay back and watch a woman do.

Q. What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
A. Drool.
:happy26:

[DarkRing]

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=11134

;)

[DarkRing]

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn't until four weeks later that someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

:lmao:

[DarkRing]

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ing arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my ing car."

:huge:

[DarkRing]

You've got to listen to this! It's a phone call from a man in Texas who witnessed a car accident that involved 4 elderly women.

It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.


http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf


:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take him, and him, and him."


:drunk:

[DarkRing]

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church. It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on dedicating yourselves to service and the Choir Director
chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved."

Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."

By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday Morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping," Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story?"

There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight?"

Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

:D

[DarkRing]

http://www.jillsjokeline.com/redneckwedding.shtml

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

:p :p

[DarkRing]

http://www.jillsjokeline.com/licenseplate.shtml


:lmao: :happy26: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

Couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... "


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know. There's swearing, dirty words and all that..."


"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?.. "LISTEN UP CHICKEN! SIT YOUR DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!

THAT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"


:drunk: :drunk: :drunk:

[fomoco dinarco]

A man from vietnam walked into a whore house and asks if they take dong. :drunk:

[DarkRing]

www.jokaroo.com/funnyvideos/flyingcar.html

:happy64: :happy64: :happy64:

[DarkRing]

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

:confused:

[DarkRing]

http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jkohl39.shtml

:huge:

[DarkRing]

Three men board a plane. They are Italian, Spanish, and Irish. They fly over to Italy, and drop a bottle. They fly to Spain, and drop a bottle. They fly to Ireland and drop a bomb.

They back to Italy and they see a little boy crying. "Little boy why are you crying?" they ask.

"Because my daddy got hit in the head with a beer bottle" They fly to Spain and they see a little girl crying.

"Little girl why are you crying?" they ask. "Because my mommy got hit in the head with a beer bottle.

" They fly to Ireland and see a little boy laughing hysterically.
"Little boy why are you laughing?" they ask. "Because my daddy farted and blew up the house"

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he hen he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?
She's pregnant
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

Leading Democrats are complaining about President Bush’s five-week vacation. They complain he does a terrible job then they complain when he takes a break. It’s like that old joke about the lady who says, “The food at this restaurant is horrible. And the portions are so small.”

:confused:

[DarkRing]

http://www.steelcitysfinest.com/HondaAccordAd.htm

:D

[DarkRing]

"Freud accused women of having penis envy. I have no reason to be jealous of a penis. At least when I get out of the ocean, all my bodily parts are still the same size"

- Sheila Wenz
:D

[DarkRing]

http://www.jokaroo.com/funnyvideos/drunkbrazil.html

:o

[thmgroup]

This realvideo clip has apparently been around for a while. I saw it for the first time yesterday.

* * Warning: Not PC! Don't view if you're easily offended * *

http://www.personal.psu.edu/users/m/j/mjm573/german_engineering_arab_technology.wmv

[DarkRing]

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair on January 26.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 150 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
One hundred forty-three said yes
Six were undecided
Only one knew that the chemical was...Water!

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

The conclusion is obvious.

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

:shhh:

[DarkRing]

http://bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/web_animations/i_love_you.swf

;)

[BlueLake]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[DarkRing]

Q. Why do blondes have more fun?

A. They are easier to amuse.
:confused:

[DarkRing]

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he
asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before my operation.""

:D

[DarkRing]

A mother of twelve was asked, "What is the worst thing you could get on your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?"


"Morning sickness," she replied.

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

http://www.jokaroo.com/extremevideos/joejenningsskydiving.html



:huge: :huge:

[DarkRing]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The President from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The President from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The President from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The President from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken a back, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,

"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

:wave: :wave:

[DarkRing]

There was a really cute princess walking through the woods, and she heard a voice calling,
"Hey Really Cute Princess!"
She looked around and didn't see anyone but a frog. She started to walk on but the frog called again.
"Hey Really Cute Princess, if you take me home and let me sleep on your pillow, I will turn back into a Handsome Prince!"
It had been a very boring day so she decided to give it a try even though she really didn't believe the frog.
The Really Cute Princess took the frog home with her and let him sleep on her pillow. When she got up the next day what do you think she found?
There on her pillow sat a really Handsome Prince.
Do you believe the story?
Well neither did her mother!

;) ;)

[DarkRing]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was stumbled along, he was
stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at two in the morning?" demands the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture."
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife, when she sees my ."


:D

[DarkRing]

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an
unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their
building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff." Not to be
outdone, the madam across the street had her girls respond with a
banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

:lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband
in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury
and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back
door and into the tool shed out the back of the barn. She put his
tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up an old carpenters saw. The banged up
cowboy was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
cut if off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam
of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said
"Nope. I'm going to set this shed on fire and go to town for a cold
beer. You do whatever you have to!!!"

:happy64: :happy64:

[DarkRing]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" She wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt ...one button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers ... "Iron this, and get me something to eat..."

:drunk: :drunk:

[baz]

A guy on the way to a fancy dress party see"s a lady about to jump from a building....running up to the top ... he bursts through the door and the noise makes the woman look around... "DONT stop me santa you dont know what it"s like ...no money ....cant pay the rent....debts all over the place...car broken down it"s all to much" she cries, "hang on" yells santa "I can give you loads of money and pay all the back rent...settle all your debts...fix you up with a brand new car " Santa can do anything... stepping back of the edge she ask"s " you can do all this for me " "yep and more" he says "mind you it would be nice if you "eh" sort of give me a good time in return" more then grateful she was, of come all the clothes, santas having a good time and then looks her in the eye and says "how old are you ?" " 38 why ? " you a bit old to belive in Santa Clause eh !...

[copper13]

did you you know that I used to be a lifegaurd?.......until some BLUE KID got me fired! hehe

[Okie]

Subject: You gotta love the Marines!

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers?

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines!

It's all a matter of choice!

[baz]

A detachment of Army soldiers return from the jungle with a couple of the men looking really sick, the medic checks them over and is not sure but they might have a very very rare killer disease called berry berry...but not sure...but still sends them into isolation just in case,

running into the chief doctors office shouting CAPTAIN..CAPTAIN..."think we might have berry berry in the camp" up jumps the capt...what the hell !..

Looking into all the old medical books..turning over he"s old notes, he has never seen or heard of anyone with this disease before dont even know what it looks like this has him beat "have to go higher with this one" phones a old medical chum "hi Bob, Jake here now listen "choppers have just bought in a couple of cases of berry berry what the hell do we do with them" after a long pause...


Send them to the MARINES says Bob, "they will drink anything"

[Okie]

Subject: Escapee from prison

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money

and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out

of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he

gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the

bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this

guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots

of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed

your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he

tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he

gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. " I love you". To which the

wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any

Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. " I love you, too."

[DarkRing]

Guts- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls- is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfurme and beer, lipstick on you collar, slapping your wife on the and having the balls to say, "You're next."


:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[Count Dinar]

A man comes home to find that his wife has put all of his clothes on the front lawn. As he opens the door he hear's his wife screaming. She see's him and say's(as she's leaving out the door) I'm leaving you, you're a pedaphile! The man yells out the door after her " that's a pretty big word for a 7 year old!"
:lmao:

[DarkRing]

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.


:)

[DarkRing]

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and 'splash' they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finish first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts,
"Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

;)

[DarkRing]

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had sucessfully cloned a human being.

He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.

When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.

This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.

Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.

The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother....

Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.

The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.

:happy64:

[ISA]

This was emailed to me without an author. Stan

A Fairy Tale ????

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

//

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[DarkRing]

Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
:)

[RET]

This was emailed to me without an author. Stan

A Fairy Tale ????

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

//

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

hee hee hee :lmao:

That explains why I'm such a grump! Just lemme have my way and things will be hunky dory. :D

[DarkRing]

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

:p

[RET]

This was emailed to me without an author. Stan

A Fairy Tale ????

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

//

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/

/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

hee hee hee :lmao:

That explains why I'm such a grump! Just lemme have my way and things will be hunky dory. :D Mr. RET is rolling his eyes, I'm sure.

"Mr. RET" ..... :lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

A little girl heard her parents fighting. She heard them say the
words 'es' and 'Assholes'.

She asked her dad what they meant.

"Ladies and Gentlemen." he said.

She heard her parents fighting again and heard the words 'Dick'
and 'Pussy'.

She asked her mom what they meant.

"Hats and Coats." her mom said.

It was thanksgiving and her dad was upstairs shaving and he cut
himself and said ''.

The little girl asked what it meant.

"Shaving." he said.

Her mom was downstairs carving the turkey and cut herself and
said 'Fxxk'.

She asked what it meant.

"Carving the turkey," her mom said.

The doorbell rang and the little girl answered it. It was her
grandparents and other relatives.

She said,
"Welcome es and assholes. Put your dicks and pussy's in the
closet. Daddy is upstairs ting and mommy is in the kitchen
fxxxing the turkey."

:D

[DarkRing]

Old Folks on Viagra

An elderly couple go to the doctors and explain that the old man is
having trouble 'rising to the occassion-

The doctor says, "I can do something about that. You have probably
heard about the new wonder drug called Viagra. Here is a bottle of
Viagra pills. Take these home, give them a try and come back in a
few days to tell me how you get on."

Three days later the couple return to the doctors.

"How did you get on?" asks the doctor.

The old man says, "Not too good. We took the tablets home and that
night I tried with my left hand but that was no good. I tried with
my right hand and I tried with both hands together but that did not
work. My wife tried with her left hand; she tried with her right
hand and she tried with both hands together. But it was still no
good. She tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out.
But we still could not get the top off the bottle!."

:happy64:

[DarkRing]

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It is called the "anal optic nerve".

It is responsible for giving people a "ty outlook" on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your , and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

;)

[dinardo]

This is why we trail so many countries in math...I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.


Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[DarkRing]

Bad blonde joke :no:

This is why we trail so many countries in math...I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.


Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[DarkRing]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"


When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.


The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"


:happy64: :happy64: :happy64:

[BrerRabbit]

A blonde was sitting on a train across from a guy reading a newspaper. The headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed". The blonde said "thats terrible! Those poor soldiers". The man agreed. The Blonde said "I have just one question, how many is a brazilian?

[DarkRing]

A blonde was sitting on a train across from a guy reading a newspaper. The headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed". The blonde said "thats terrible! Those poor soldiers". The man agreed. The Blonde said "I have just one question, how many is a brazilian?


Do you go by dinardo also???? :confused:

[BrerRabbit]

Do you go by dinardo also???? :confused:

I am only BrerRabbit. No other.
Did I repeat a joke?

[RET]

See post #216. :wave:

[RET]

See post #216.

Did I repeat a post? :lmao: Sorry Rabbit, couldn't resist that one! :lmao:

[BrerRabbit]

See post #216.

Did I repeat a post? :lmao: Sorry Rabbit, couldn't resist that one! :lmao:

Me sorry. But at least someone likes bunnies...
Artists erect giant pink bunny on mountain
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1541732.html

[RET]

OK, I like bunnies but this takes the cake! :lmao: :lmao:

[DarkRing]

A husband emerged from the bathroom, and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," said her husband. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can either take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you ..."

:happy26:

[DarkRing]

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

:confused:

[DarkRing]

The three brothers...Tom, Dick, and Harry...well, Tom calls Dick and says,"Listen, Dick, my wife has been in the hospital for two months, and I need a woman! Why don't you send your wife over to spend a couple of nights with me, and when my wife gets out of the hospital, I'll let her spend a couple of nights with you, OK?"

This really makes Dick angry! So angry that he called Harry, and told him all
about it. Harry says, "Man, you should have taken him up on that deal...his wife is three times better than your wife!"

:drunk:

[DarkRing]

At The Convent
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here yesterday.

99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.

99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!

99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!...

:huge:

[DarkRing]

Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swim- ming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!" Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..." "Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie. Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

:D

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
>>I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
>>
>>"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
>>
>>His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
>>stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have
>>a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It
>>worked! The headaches are all gone."
>>
>>The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
>>
>>His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
>>in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
>>hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees
>>to try it.
>>
>>Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
>>clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
>>her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes
>>into the bathroom and comes back ! A few minutes later and jumps into
>>b ed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
>>
>>His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
>>
>>The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
>>
>>He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
>>better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
>>
>>Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
>>
>>With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
>>follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
>>mirror and saying,
>>
>>"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
>>
>>His funeral services will be held on Monday.

[Mo, Spanish Fort]

comical look at aging
>
>I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
>doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
>I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
>gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by
>the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
>
>Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do
>you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
>She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
>
>The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
>Easter eggs.
>
>Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
>the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
>"98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the
>undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?
>
>I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
>replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
>I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
>take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject
>to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
>hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
>I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still
>have my driver's license.
>
>A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
>"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're
>97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're
>cotton-pickin' right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
>lowered!"
>
>An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
>preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
>buried at Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
>"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
>
>My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
>not as sharp as it used to be.
>
>Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
>
>I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
>
>I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts
>of my body are just prone to swinging .
>
>It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
>coffeemaker.
>
>These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
>"For fast relief."
>
>I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my
>age, but they haven't made one yet called "Buns of Putty."
>
>Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as
>your inner child playing with matches.
>
>Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
>
>Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You
>grow old because you stop laughing.
>
>
>THE SENILITY PRAYER
>
>Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
>anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
>tell the difference.
>Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10
>Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who
>they are....

[DarkRing]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded wit h a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things th at are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

:huge:

[DarkRing]

Q. What's the downside to a threesome?

A. You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

:D

[DarkRing]

Q. How do you know when you're really ugly?

A. Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

:D

[DarkRing]

15 Federal Emergency, My !

14 Floodwaters Exceeding My Armpits

13 Feeble Efforts, Minimal Aid

12 Fundraising Earns Management Appointment

11 Flailing Energetically Means Assisting

10 Food, Electricity, Manpower? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

9 Forgot Emergency Manual Accidentally

8 Finding Employment for Mealy-mouthed -kissers

7 Fumble Everything, Mighty Asshats!

6 Finger Entry Method: Anal

5 Featuring Enron Managerial Accountability

4 Focused on Equines, Mostly Arabian

3 Finally Ejected Mike's

2 Forget Everyone in Mobile, Alabama


... and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing "FEMA" Might Actually Stand For ...


1 Future Eatery Managers of America


:lmao:

[lordrazor1]

The best joke of all is well the Dinar is going to be revalued soon! Sunday, no passed Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, no definitly Friday. I just can't figure out why Wed, and Sat are always left out!

[DarkRing]

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his !"


:happy64:

[DarkRing]

"I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions. One kid asked, 'Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?' Which I thought was a good question. I said, 'Only on Swedish women.'"

:drunk:

[DarkRing]

After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady. On their honeymoon night she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory. Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by.

Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously masturbating. She smiles and says, "You're married now. You don't have to do that anymore." Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, "Oh, I forgot."

:no:

[DarkRing]

GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

:no:

[DarkRing]

SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
:rolleye03

[DarkRing]

ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

:mad:

[DarkRing]

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

When you rearrange the letters:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

:crying:

[DarkRing]

I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The guy farted, took my five and walked away.
:D

[DarkRing]

There was a lady sitting on a bench when an old man came over to sit down. He moved over to her side and said "Do you believe in the hereafter?" and she said "Yes" Then he replied, "Then you know what i'm here-after."

:drunk:

[DarkRing]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where iseverybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat,brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?

"Rustlin' " said the bartender.

:rolleye03

[DarkRing]

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby
camel asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert,
our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand."
Two minutes later the young camel asked, "Mom, why do we have
these long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips
through the desert," the mother said.
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?"
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across
the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time."
"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to
keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water."
"Yes dear," said the mother.
"So why the heck are we in the Toronto Zoo?"
:eek:

[mcdonn]

This is how history began...


History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in winter.



The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.


These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."


Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'


Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.


Most social workers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.


Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge >to respond to the above instead of laughing and simply deleting or forwarding it.

[joanc1963]

How you know the world is in trouble:


The best rapper is a white guy,

The best golfer is a black guy,

The tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

The Swiss hold the America's Cup,

France is accusing the US of arrogance,

Germany doesn't want to go to war,

The 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush' 'Dick' an 'Colon '

and

The Prime Minister of Australia is flanked by two senior ministers

whose names are Abbott and Costello!