0 to 200

[trusteDINARisk]

> A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
> wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
> could zip through traffic around town.
>
> He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
>
> "Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
>
> For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
>
> Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the
> condition of the body; this will be a closed casket service. Please send
> your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
> foundation', Dallas, Texas.
:lmao:

[dejavu]

LOL, sounds like he died from "foot in the mouth" :D

[DarkRing]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the bloke. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

:wave:

[DarkRing]

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street
corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a
dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and
are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in
the front seat on the shoulder...

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and
get some."

They precede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back
seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside
and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I
want."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the
counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you
want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's
back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside.
I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter.
He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5
dollars."

:happy26: :happy26:

[Dinaress]

John O'Reilly's toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."