View Full Version : It's great to be a woman
dejavu
08-10-2005, 03:40 PM
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ! ourselve s.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
BrerRabbit
08-10-2005, 03:42 PM
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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EXCEPTION: Letsdodinar :lmao:
These are all great! The laughter that I needed after last night. :drunk:
dejavu
08-10-2005, 03:50 PM
Ok, now you know this means war! LOL.......I'll be back :lmao:
dejavu
08-10-2005, 03:53 PM
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" asked the guy.
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
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Girl, you are killing me here ... clean out some space in your pm box. K?
dejavu
08-10-2005, 04:02 PM
Girl, you are killing me here ... clean out some space in your pm box. K?
LOL, i didn't even realize it was full till you said something..... :)
BrerRabbit
08-10-2005, 04:16 PM
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."
dejavu
08-10-2005, 04:22 PM
Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse. "I want to get weighed," replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," Amber responded.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."
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A man in a bar shouts out, " All lawyers are assholes" Another man across the bar stands up and says, "I`m offended by that statement" The first man says,"Why?, are you a lawyer?" second man says, "No, I`m an " :D
mechtech
08-10-2005, 05:16 PM
.................................
BrerRabbit
08-10-2005, 06:05 PM
Its a little off topic for the thread but funnier than heckfar.
http://www.koreus.com/files/200505/men-in-coats.html
Needs audio for the full experience
dejavu
08-10-2005, 06:42 PM
.................................
now when i say "stop pushing my buttons" i can mean it, LOL
dejavu
08-10-2005, 06:43 PM
Its a little off topic for the thread but funnier than heckfar.
http://www.koreus.com/files/200505/men-in-coats.html
Needs audio for the full experience
haha, pulling a hat out of a rabbit! LOL :lmao:
dejavu
08-10-2005, 07:00 PM
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three-hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one."
"I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, so you may as well go fishing."
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BrerRabbit
08-16-2005, 08:11 AM
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.
dejavu
08-16-2005, 10:07 PM
He Won't Do That Again
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys & spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by & he didn't see his wife. Tuesday & Wednesday came & went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
G Mann
08-17-2005, 12:13 AM
reminds me of a good one.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told her twice!
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Married for 11, single the last 4; Boy am I having fun!! Every married person I know is miserable?! :D
dejavu
08-17-2005, 04:25 PM
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17- year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
BrerRabbit
08-18-2005, 06:31 AM
http://www.rodneycarrington.com/dearpenis.php
dejavu
08-19-2005, 09:08 AM
http://www.rodneycarrington.com/dearpenis.php
blahhhhhh! :lmao: :lmao:
THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" My daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's On the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and laughter in my heart.
Jerry
09-09-2005, 01:14 PM
DO NOT trust anything that bleeds longer than 3 days and does not die.
Oh how I wish I could moderate that! :D :lmao:
DO NOT trust anything that bleeds longer than 3 days and does not die.
Wait .... you're not talking about women, you're talking about bleeding heart liberals!
Disclaimer: For some reason some can't post in the Lounge (glitch?), so I've been asked to post this. The devil made me do it! :D ;) Yeh, that's it ... the devil made me do it. :D
DO NOT trust anything that bleeds longer than 3 days and does not die.
Another 'devil' told me ...
If it bleeds, it leads. :lmao:
(I swear I'm not coming up with these. :lmao: )
Access America
10-05-2005, 11:48 AM
Oh how I wish I could moderate that! :D :lmao:
Ret maybe you can moderate this one for us
Marie Rudisill, aka The Fruitcake Lady, made her first "Tonight Show" appearance in December 2000 and with it she began gathering a legion of fans. Enjoy the advice she gives in a little segment we like to call "Ask The Fruitcake Lady."
http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Video/?c=The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/Hi_2874_msn&n=highlights
Maybe we should call her and ask her opinion about our dinar investment. :lmao:
dejavu
10-06-2005, 07:02 AM
ROFLMAO!! i love that lady! I especially liked her answer to the husband who's wife looks better in the dark! :lmao:
Access America
10-07-2005, 04:46 AM
ROFLMAO!! i love that lady! I especially liked her answer to the husband who's wife looks better in the dark! :lmao:
Me Too I think she is the best for her age, did you see her others videos on that site. :happy64:
dejavu
10-07-2005, 09:16 AM
Me Too I think she is the best for her age, did you see her others videos on that site. :happy64:
no.......but i,m gonna now :huge:
Access America
10-07-2005, 09:01 PM
no.......but i,m gonna now :huge:
Hi
You can catch most of Ask The Fruitcake Lady here, enjoy
http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/fruitcake_lady/
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