View Full Version : The Joke Thread
kelleyB
08-28-2004, 11:53 PM
Ok, my mom just told me this joke... it is stupid and funny
OK...
If your Italian in the bedroom
BUT Your French when your in the Kitchen
WHAT ARE YOU WHEN YOUR IN THE BATHROOM?
UR O PEEIN ;)
dinardude
08-28-2004, 11:56 PM
Ok, my mom just told me this joke... it is stupid and funny
OK...
If your Italian in the bedroom
BUT Your French when your in the Kitchen
WHAT ARE YOU WHEN YOUR IN THE BATHROOM?
UR O PEEIN ;)
Ur A Crackin' Me Up http://www.oomboi.com/uncontrollable.gif
TwoTone
08-29-2004, 01:10 AM
What did Kermit D Frog say when Jim Hensen died??
Nothin.
TT
Ur A Crackin' Me Up http://www.oomboi.com/uncontrollable.gif
I love that smilie face!!!
I almost didn't give it time to do it's entire laughing fit!
Jen39503
08-29-2004, 08:34 AM
I love that smilie face!!!
I almost didn't give it time to do it's entire laughing fit!
Where did that smilie come from?? I want one!!! :D
kelleyB
08-29-2004, 11:53 AM
MY JOKE
This man and this woman are both driving separate vehicles and get into a horrible car accident with each other.
They are both thrown from their vehilces and land right near each other.
The Woman looks at the man and says "Can you believe that we are ok?"..."This is surely a sign from GOD, perhaps you and I should be together as I believe God intended"
The man replied with approval "You're right, perhaps this is a sign from God and we should be together"
Then the woman stated. "Look, my bottle of wine made it through the accident. Yet another sign from God that we should open this bottle and celebrate the life that he has given us."
The man agrees and the woman passes the bottle to the man. He opens it and drinks half the bottle before returning it to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle of wine and recorks it and sets it aside.
The man, confused asks. "Aren't you going to have any wine?"
The woman, with a smile confidently says "No, I think I will wait till the police get here"
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
Never under estimate the sneakiness of a woman ;)
dinardude
08-29-2004, 02:35 PM
Very good http://www.oomboi.com/applause.gif In the future I will certainly remember this...
Jen39503
08-29-2004, 04:31 PM
http://www.oomboi.com/applause.gif bwahahahaa
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "
Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
. :D
I can PM you this joke... :shhh:
kelleyB
08-29-2004, 05:50 PM
:lmao: That was great :lmao:
A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though." :)
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So, the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?
"The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir.. Potentially,we're sitting on three million Dollars, but realistically, we're living with two whores and a queer."
:D
Cab Driver
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab ... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
. :confused:
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
\"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
. :D
A drunk walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter.
He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims, "I can,t believe I lost 100 pounds!"
:confused:
Who shot the Beaver??
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
. :D
A man meets a beautiful blonde and decides he wants to marry her right away.
She tells him they don't know anything about each other.
He tells her that's fine ... they can learn about each other as they go along. She consents, they marry ... then leave for their honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning as they are laying by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two-and-a-half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in the jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his towel.
Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!"
"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he says. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
The blonde gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps. After about 50 laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel hardly out of breath.
Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she answers. "I was a hooker in El Paso, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river."
. :crying:
kelleyB
08-29-2004, 06:24 PM
GEE FMS... ya think you know a joke or two? ;)
Collegeinvester1000
08-29-2004, 06:24 PM
A man is at the local Kroger store, shopping, he is in the store for oh about 30 minutes, he goes to checkout his itmes, they include, 4 apples, a box of toothpicks, and a pack of B batteries. As he is checking out, the young cashier looks down at the items, then back at the man and says "ah, you must be single"
slightly stunned the man replies, "well, yes yes I am single, how did you know?"
She replies, "well, you're ugly"
kelleyB
08-29-2004, 06:26 PM
ROLMAO.....THat was great :lmao:
GEE FMS... ya think you know a joke or two? ;)
at least :D
Psycho for Dinar
08-29-2004, 08:51 PM
There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer’s funeral.
“Here’s a hundred,” he said. “Bury 10 of ‘em.”
Psycho for Dinar
08-29-2004, 08:54 PM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ''Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.''
''What?'' said the puzzled groom.''How can that be if you've been married ten times?''
''Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! 'But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!''
''Good,'' said the new husband, ''but, why?''
''You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!''
kelleyB
08-29-2004, 08:59 PM
P4D I am crying over here. THat last one killed me. I have to print that one out for sure. Send it to my old boss that was a divorce lawyer....lol He will love it. :lmao:
kelleyB
08-29-2004, 11:11 PM
"No," she answers. "I was a hooker in El Paso, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river."
. :crying:
That was just wrong :no: lol
mikexx
08-30-2004, 02:28 PM
I saw an old movie the other day, it was called 'Guess who's coming to Dinar'.
:lmao:
Psycho for Dinar
08-30-2004, 02:36 PM
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first."
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop."Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender."Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!""
Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down."If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?""I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!""Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?""Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his .
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
kelleyB
08-30-2004, 04:35 PM
... I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"
THAT IS JUST WRONG :no:
You have some major funny ones though. Thanks for them CAP
I once knew a guy named Chip Monk, but this is cruel........
Nah, it wasn't for the money! She's gorgeous.........
kelleyB
08-30-2004, 05:43 PM
OH MY LORD... that is just too funny CAP.. where the heck did you find that?
I once knew a guy named Chip Monk, but this is cruel........
The following is all TRUE . . .
My dad graduated with a girl named Ima Hogg.
My brother graduated with: Dixie Land, Rusty Gates and Penny Mizer.
My cousin knew a girl named Mary Christmas. He also met a girl at camp named Candie Barr. He told us that he snickered when she told him her name. He didn't get his own "joke". :lmao:
I met a lady named Sandie Beach. One summer at sports camp, I met a guy named Orin G. Julius.
But, here's the kicker. When I was teaching, a new student was enrolled at our school. She had a unique name: Reven Niaga. I commented on her name and the secretary said she was the 8th child in her family. She then told me to spell her name backwards . . . . it spells: never again!!!
Psycho for Dinar
08-30-2004, 06:57 PM
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.
When they came to the source of it, one said, ''I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.'' So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw only nature had provided him with. Her friend said, ''Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!'' Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what the Scotsman's endowment.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, ''I don't know where y'been lad... but it's nice ta 'see y' won first prize!''
Psycho for Dinar
08-30-2004, 06:59 PM
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”
Psycho for Dinar
08-30-2004, 07:01 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. ''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece.
I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''
kelleyB
08-30-2004, 07:22 PM
RET that is just too funny.
I went to school with a guy named Mike Hunt. :lmao: I am serious. We mostly called him Michael though. What are the odds of knowing that many names?
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
:confused:
Jen39503
08-30-2004, 09:37 PM
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!" http://forum.skadi.net/images/smilies/pantheon_europa/before01.gif
Check this out (www.seanmorey.com/mansong.html) :lmao:
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey!"
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an ."
. :happy26:
Frederick's of Hollywood
A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.- He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
Funeral Services are pending!!!!
:no:
Things To Ponder (or not)
1. Can you cry under water?
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk." :drunk:
3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
13. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
15. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
17. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
18. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
19. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. :wave:
Bush to the Rescue!
The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C. and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac sailing on the Presidential yacht, theSequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, thenwalks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning the headlines in New York Times, Boston Globe, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and the San Francisco Chronicle proclaim: BUSH CAN'T SWIM!"
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
. :no:
Sgt. REMF
08-30-2004, 10:48 PM
Here's a joke a KBR guy told me...
Q. Why do Iraqis carry 2 pieces of sandpaper in their pockets?
A. One is a picture of home and the other is a map of the area!
A guy came home from work one day to find his wife in the bedroom, angrily throwing her belongings into her suitcase. "Where the hell are you going" he asked abrubtly.
"To Las Vegas" she yelled in return.
"And may I ask, why" he said.
"Because I have been told in Las Vegas I can get $200.00, for what I have been giving to you for free!"
The husband calmly gathered his suitcase and likewise began to pack his clothes. "And what the hell do you think you are doing?" she yelled.
"I'm going to Las Vegas my dear!"
"So, may I ask why!" replied his sweetheart.
"Because I want to see you live on $400.00 a year!!!!" :happy26:
OH MY LORD... that is just too funny CAP.. where the heck did you find that?
Can't remember for sure KellyB. I had it saved on my hard drive in anticipation of using it someday............
Psycho for Dinar
08-31-2004, 11:37 AM
a man called his doctor and lawyer to his bedside as he was near death; he wanted to die like jesus between two thieves.
Psycho for Dinar
08-31-2004, 11:39 AM
Why don't the Chinese have phone books?
Because they have so many "Wings" and "Wongs", everyone's afraid they'll wing the wong number.
Psycho for Dinar
08-31-2004, 11:43 AM
You are a Redneck if...
'Hey y'all... Watch this!'
How To Pick Up A Chick In Arkansas:
Hey Baby! Nice tooth.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You think the last three words of the national
anthem is 'start your engines.'
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
If you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You think the stock market has fence around it.
You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the
dump and bring back more than you took.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your grandfather died and left everything to his
widow... but she can't touch it 'til she's fourteen.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever burped and killed a fly
You Might Be A Redneck If...
There were dogs in the church on your wedding day
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You're saving up to gravel your driveway.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever bought a used cap.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids
it's a water park.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever had to have a wrecker pull your car
out of a pothole in your driveway.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story,
but you sure like to look at the pictures.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the
grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.
Psycho for Dinar
08-31-2004, 02:35 PM
There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, ''Where are you hurting?''
She said, ''Everywhere. See?"
She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"
She touched her leg and, "OUCH!"
She touched her nose, "OUCH!"
"See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!''
The doctor laughed and said, ''What you've got is a broken index finger!"
Psycho for Dinar
08-31-2004, 02:39 PM
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven.
Standing outside the perly gates she asks ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks and everyone has one. He says see this one it's Abe Lincolns the hands have only moved one time stating that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Theresa's, it hasn't moved at all showing she didn't tell not one lie.
Hillary then ask well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is using it as a celing fan.
John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the
classes, which is in the middle of a discussion on words and their
meaning. The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the
discussion of the word "tragedy." So, the illustrious senator asks
the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in
the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy." "That's wrong," Kerry shouts. "That would
be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a
school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "You are completely
incorrect," shouts the senator. "That would be what we would
consider a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the
room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says, "If a plane carrying
the Senator John Kerry were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"
Psycho for Dinar
09-01-2004, 01:16 PM
>To all my married friends, sorry. And to all my single friends, head the
>warning!!!
>
>
>Dear Tech Support:
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
>that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
>lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself
>into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
>Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
>Fishing7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
>selected.
>
>I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
>run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
>Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
>
>Thanks,
>A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
>______________________________________
>
>REPLY:
>Dear Troubled User:
>
>This is a very common problem that men complain about.
>
>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
>is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
>SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
>impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
>impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
>installed.
>
>You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
>not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child!
>Support.
>I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I
>suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
>software augmentation.
>
>The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
>ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
>system will return to normal anyway.
>
>Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
>Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
>3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
>
>However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
>cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,
>theonly way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
>additionalsoftware. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
>
>WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
>Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
>cause
>Irreversible damage to the operating system.
>
>Best of luck,
>Tech Support
kelleyB
09-01-2004, 02:53 PM
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.
For those of you that run into folks that are having a hard time 'making a
decision.'
Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like
so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat, and
was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was
deeply
ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she
openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the
occasional chat
with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored
an evil,
selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to
higher taxes on
the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be
the truth
and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken
aback, she
answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him
know that it
was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult
course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time
to go out
and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a
boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because
she spent
all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey
doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy
classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so
popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always
invited to all
the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for
classes because
she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the
Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your
friend who
only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that
would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily
fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my
grades! I've
invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done
next to
nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the
Republican Party."
:happy26:
kelleyB
09-01-2004, 07:30 PM
NOW THAT WAS GOOD and I am neither. But I agree totally. Very good point ;)
http://www.rockpapersaddam.com/index.html
The joke thread is the only legitimate place for this picture. What a wimpy, Gomer Pyle looking "salute"...........
mechtech
09-10-2004, 07:00 PM
J F Kerry is riding in his limo and are forced to take a detour down a regular neighborhood street. Absently gazing out the window, he sees a boy in the yard with a box of puppies, playing.
Well traffic is slow and he needs to connect with the masses, so he stops and gets out to talk with the boy.
"Thoose are some fine puppies you have there, son." Kerry says, "What kind are they?"
The boy lets him pet one as he tells the senator, "They are Democrat puppies!"
Very pleased, Kerry rides off and a few weeks later is taking his veep candidate for a ride and tells him, "There's something you need to see!"
He has the driver go to the same house and there is the kid with the puppies.
Kerry tells Edwards to go ask what kind of puppies they are.
"They are Republican puppies!" the boy proudly states.
"Hold it son." Kerry intones, "a few weeks ago you told me that they were Democrat puppies (it is seared in my memory). Why do you call them Republican now?"
"Their eyes are open."
Marilyn
09-11-2004, 01:10 PM
Another Great Thread Started By Kelly B !!! :happy64: :happy64: :happy64:
kelleyB
09-11-2004, 01:36 PM
The joke thread is the only legitimate place for this picture. What a wimpy, Gomer Pyle looking "salute"...........That is fuuuunnnny
Oh and thank you Marilyn. I like to keep the humor alive around here
mechtech
09-11-2004, 03:53 PM
http://www.rockpapersaddam.com/flash/ :rolleye03
kelleyB
09-11-2004, 03:59 PM
That was silly :drunk:
dinardude
09-11-2004, 04:37 PM
Another Great Thread Started By Kelly B !!! :happy64: :happy64: :happy64:
Yeah she's something else isn't she? :D
dinardude
09-11-2004, 05:00 PM
ya we dont know exzactly what it is that she is..lol
I'm with you on that, can't explain it at all...lol...maybe she'll go down as an unexplained mystery :D
Watch it BOYZZZZ! ;) She could blow any minute! :drunk:
Psycho for Dinar
09-14-2004, 10:38 AM
Little David was in his 5th grade home room when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor,
lawyer, plumber, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him what his father did.
So David responded, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the
offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make
love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David. "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." :lmao:
mechtech
09-14-2004, 10:45 AM
Cause I could have hurt myself falling out of my chair laughing at that one :drunk:
good one!
The wife sent this to me. I wonder if she was trying to tell me something
Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist .
AND .....
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
I am always happy to help out the ladies :D
Funny stuff!
However, a certain someone may take this and go toooo faaaar with it. If you know what I mean. :shhh:
Just kidding.
Chief Talk Alot
A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree. "The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock. "
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives doing it. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
. :D
What is the difference between humor and odor?
Humor is a shift of wit. :happy26:
Save more and spend less
Seems there was this preacher's wife who decided along with her husband that they really had to save more and spend less starting in the New Year. Well, she went shopping and found the dress of her dreams. It cost way too much, but she had to have it.
When she showed it to her husband, he exclaimed, "After all we said about spending less money, how could you?"
She replied, "The devil made me do it."
"Didn't you tell him 'Get thee behind me, Satan'?" asked the exasperated preacher.
"I certainly did," she replied, "but he said 'It really looks great from the back!!!!!'"
:D
Questions to Ponder
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
:D
Old wise sayings
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
:D
mechtech
09-28-2004, 02:30 PM
New secret service handle is Agent Orange!
http://drudgereport.com/dnc55.htm
http://drudgereport.com/kk.jpg
"...Just days before Dem presidential hopeful John Kerry is set to take the stage in a debate opener projected to be seen by 70 million, photos show the senator dramatically taking on color.
Is it the late September Wisconsin sun during debate prep that has turned Kerry's face to rich pumpkin-colored hues?
Or has he been campaigning in the rust-belt?
Kerry advisers defend the sudden deep tan transition, noting how it simply was from a game of flag football last Friday in Bedford, Mass..."
FAST1
09-28-2004, 02:58 PM
New secret service handle is Agent Orange!
http://drudgereport.com/dnc55.htm
http://drudgereport.com/kk.jpg
"...Just days before Dem presidential hopeful John Kerry is set to take the stage in a debate opener projected to be seen by 70 million, photos show the senator dramatically taking on color.
Is it the late September Wisconsin sun during debate prep that has turned Kerry's face to rich pumpkin-colored hues?
Or has he been campaigning in the rust-belt?
Kerry advisers defend the sudden deep tan transition, noting how it simply was from a game of flag football last Friday in Bedford, Mass..."
You know, I did a double take when I saw him on the news. My wife pointed out the fact that his forehead was not completely tanned. Looks like a spray on job.....bless his heart, he's trying to look more normal.
I think he should get the bolts taken out of his neck! :lmao:
dinarosauras
09-28-2004, 05:00 PM
A joke from Jack Lalane......LOL......still love him...ok, this woman from Hawaii advised her friend on an island diet, her friend wanted to lose weight fast, so the woman tells her eat nothing but coconuts and pinapples for a month. Soooo, the friend took her advice, and though she didn't lose any weight on the diet, she became a hell of a tree climber! .....baboomboom :drunk:
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Nervously, he did as she directed. "Now takeoff my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." With trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. " The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney..
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day !
.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!" :D
kelleyB
10-22-2004, 03:49 AM
Escaped Convict
A Man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife,"listen this guy's
an escaped convict, look at the clothes! he probably spent lots of
time in jail and hasn't seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck." "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill
us. Be strong! . honey. I love you" To which the wife responds,
"he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told
me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too! "
G Mann
10-23-2004, 12:21 AM
Three men lost in a jungle were captured by a tribe of cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial.
The first step of the trial was to enter the darkest part of the jungle, and gather
ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So, all three men went separate ways to gather their fruit.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.”
The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits in your a**
without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.”
The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second man arrived, and proudly showed the king ten black berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. Easily, the man inserts the first eight berries... and on the ninth berry,
he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy eventually cross paths in heaven.
The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You had an easy go!”
The second man replied, “I couldn’t help it...
once I saw Jim with those pineapples....”
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings
and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in he room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking
at him in astonishment. Then he asks:
"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
There was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices
one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on
the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said,
"You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his fly.
The bartender says, “Hey! There's a steering wheel on your thingie!”
The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”
AYE!!!! G mann!!!
OK ... so Dinaress and I were discussing Valentine's Day :rolleye03 :no: :drunk: .... she shares this joke with me that has to be posted ... this one's for the girls. May make some of you guys mad (BB, it's all in fun) ... but what the hay ... you all had your time with "Your Mama's So Fat/Ugly" posts. :lmao:
So without any delay ... I hand you over to Dinaress ...
So without any delay ... I hand you over to Dinaress ...
Without delay....... Dinaress must have stage fright :D
After his exam the doctor said to the old codger, "You appear to be in
good health "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?"
“In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the
first time I am usually hot and
sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold
and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to
be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to
her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot
and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly
after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first
time it is usually in August and the second time is in January".
.
Ummm ... Dinaress put the joke in another thread .... You'll find it. Goodbye Dinaress, it was nice knowing you.
Just kidding!!!!! :lmao:
G Mann
02-14-2005, 09:57 PM
O.K. how about this one!
All the old folks at the nursing home were celebrating a birthday for the oldest man, who was turning 100. So, they got him a hooker... :rolleye03 ....she showed up and said "I'm here to give you some Super Sex!" He says, "I'll take the soup."
Chaka
02-14-2005, 10:08 PM
hear about the man with 5 penis'?
he wore a rubber that fit like a glove!
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item,
pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it
for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow
and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
"Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending.
.
:crying:
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next
to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,
"How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." He continued,
"This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" said
the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"
"I switched roosters," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
.
TwoTone
02-23-2005, 10:11 AM
What is the difference between humor and odor?
Humor is a shift of wit. :happy26:
HOLY CRAP THIS WAS FUNNY !!! LMAO
Peace and Love
TT
An Air Force fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?
He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well", explains the pilot, "it says you're not wearing any
panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am
wearing panties!"
The pilot taps his watch and says, "Crap .... the thing's an hour
fast."
Bubba & Cooter....
Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they should go to
college so they could get ahead. Bubba went in first, and the professor advises
him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor. "Do you
own a weed-eater?"
"Sure do," the redneck responded.
"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the
professor went on.
"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. ...
Is that right?"
"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. ... Right?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual. ... Is that right?"
"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever
heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway
where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.
"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a
weed-eater?"
"No." says Cooter.
"You're queer, aintcha?"
:lmao:
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
"Top of the mornin to yer, sir", says the attendant. Tiger nods a
quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,
two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees", replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
Says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a
special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it
to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something
very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The
old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check.
" I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write now and you
can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I
had?"
.
:D
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on
how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get
warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him
all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and
down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all
the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
.
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
The laugh I've been needing allll day long! Thanks, fms!
Part-timer
04-06-2005, 09:36 PM
Just joined the joke thread, thought I would chime in.
Some great stuff on here. I don't have but a couple, looks like
some of ya'll have a library.
**********************************************
There was this couple that had been married for
20 years. Every time they made love the husband
always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
ridiculous. She figured she would break him of
this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a
wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights. She looked down ... and saw her
husband was holding a battery operated pleasure
device... a vibrator... soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. " You impotent
bastard, " she screamed at him, " how could you
be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says calmly:
" I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the
kids. "
Part-timer
04-06-2005, 09:43 PM
OK, one more...
**********************************
Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "okay, ... I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would???" (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes an audible groan)
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, ...she's left-handed."
Wife: (silence)
Husband: "Oh...Sh**."
bagzz
04-07-2005, 08:12 AM
But it's more of a 'sweet' story than a joke: (sorry if you have dialup :lmao: )
voltrader
04-07-2005, 10:13 AM
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young
man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Serengeti (of course) sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital
photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility
in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of
complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a
full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer
and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs an animal into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd
says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my animal?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;
to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.
Now give me back my dog."
Part-timer
04-08-2005, 10:19 AM
Today is my daughters 18th birthday, I'm so glad that this is my last
child support payment. Month after month, year after year, of payments.
So I called my baby girl to come over to my house and when she got here,
I said to her, baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your
mothers house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going
to get from me, and I want you to tell me the expression on your mother's
face.
So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so eager to hear
what she had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl
walked through the door, I said "now what did that woman have to say?"
And she replied... "She told me to tell you that you ain't my
father.........
AND then she wanted me to tell her, about the expression on your face.
looking to retire at 28
04-15-2005, 01:01 AM
An engineer, a lawyer and Michael Jackson are all asked the same question, "What is 2+2?".
The engineer says, "Well, it is almost 4, but never actually reaches it."
The lawyer says. "Hm, case files seem to say it is 4."
Then they looked at Michael figuring he would get it wrong, then he said, "That's easy! The age of the boys I like!"
looking to retire at 28
04-15-2005, 01:09 AM
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?
"Yes" he says. "I was in Afghanistan for two years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment". The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"?
The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".
The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A M"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
looking to retire at 28
04-15-2005, 01:10 AM
An office secretary stands by the water cooler taking a drink when a male co-worker stands in front of her and takes a deep long inhale and says, your hair smells great. The secretary says thank you and returns to her desk.
This same situation occurs everyday for the next couple of weeks, so she finally makes a complaint to the office supervisor. She explains the situation and says she wants to file a report for sexual harrassment.
The supervisor says I know this has been annoying but how can you claim sexual harrassment?
She says it's Keith the midget that's doing this.
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are Do It, I Can Help, and I Can't Get Enough?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Harley riders wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
Thuh IRS Auditor
The Internal Revenue Service sent an auditor to a synagogue. As the auditor reviews all the paperwork, he turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
Yes, we do," responded the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" He asked.
"A good question," noted the rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the rabbi calmly. "We actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how he could fluster the rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he continued, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste." The rabbi answered. What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."
"Internal Revenue?" questioned the auditor in disbelief
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to pick up...
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men...
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
mike55
04-15-2005, 12:56 PM
This could be a bad sign......
Dinaress
04-15-2005, 01:11 PM
RET has introduced me to this thread and i can't wait to read all the posts and so far there are some real hillarious stuff here. I will add one or two when i find a goody
Dinaress
04-15-2005, 02:59 PM
When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:
My dearest wife,
We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.
Your husband, who will never stop loving you.
When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:
My beloved husband,
You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.
Your loving wife.
P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.
:lmao:
bump, I see a lot of jokes making it around again.
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